Yesterday I got the news that my ovarian tumor markers were normal! That's a huge game changer in terms of surgery next week. Doesn't look like a gyn/onc will have to be there afterall. Unless she just wants another opinion. We won't know 100% until the pathology report comes back but I'm feel confident that something is going our way. We also had prayer at the church last night and our close friends and my mother in law came to support us. It was very nice and felt good to know the church knows now and will be praying for us as we go through this journey. I sat with Avery for a long time last night talking about his feelings. He was thinking he needs to be the big brother and step away from going to Austin and playing ball and just stay home and get a job and go to Lone Star. I told him I would never want to stand in the way of his dreams and this is an opportunity of a lifetime for him that I want him to take. We talked about how he feels like people are feeling sorry for us. I explained bringing food and praying for us are ways people can help in a helpless situation. Jaelyn has been going to a therapist for the past few months and it's time to start family counseling I think before Avery goes away to school. At least meeting once as a family unit. We are a team and need to all be able to open up and talk. Braden worries me as he isn't talking about it at all. He's hiding behind his phone, playing games, acting uninterested and untouched. But I know he is a momma's boy and he is hurting inside. Evan's been really lovey and gives alot of kisses and hugs and Jaelyn is just pissed at the world. Her and Erik got into a big fight over nothing really in the middle of Chili's the night before last and he stormed out. He is hurting too. It's easy to forget about his feelings because he's so worried about the kids and me. He always puts himself on the back burner and tries to fix it all. This isn't fixable for him. Only God can perform a miracle. I know I am praying for intentional time with my family, treatment that will keep me around pain free for a long time, and to praise Him in this storm. Just like the song says.
My thoughts on all of this...Well, of course it sucks! I hate it! I want to run away and hide from it. I'm scared of dying. I'm afraid of the unknown including what is going to happen to my body before I die. Will I be in pain and if so will the doctors be able to control the pain with pain meds that make me itchy or give me hives. How will that work? The fear of the unknown is the worst. I am a planner and want to write things down so I don't miss something. I want to know the overall game plan. And waiting is not something I'm good at. This blog has been a place for me to journal my appointment results and upcoming surgeries. I haven't really used it as a sounding board for my feelings until now. I will be weak at times, strong at others, but this is about to get real. Real for my kids. I am going to be honest as I walk this journey so that one day my husband can print this off and give to my kids so they know I loved them and fought for them. I will write letters in here for them and if you are someone that reads this on a daily basis, you may learn things you weren't necessarily prepared for. I don't know what I will write but I do know I'm going it all for them.
