To write or not to write

Jaelyn and I saw the motivational speaker, Rachel Hollis’s documentary movie last night “Made for More”. When we left Jaelyn said “Mom, you should write a book!” Little does she know someday when I’m gone my intentions are for Erik to print this out for our children. But then I got thinking, I’ve been sort of emotionless over the first part of my journey about having cancer. I tried being strong and put up a front for everyone else dealing with MY disease. Protecting my family was my first duty; not getting better at treatments, not going to appointments on time, not beating breast cancer. But being a mother held me responsible for hiding my tears and anger and making the everyday things flow smoothly. So I did it. I was good at it. While the kids would be in school I would go from appt to appt, labs, scans, shots...and it never disrupted their way of living. Sure Erik had to take time off work to come with me from time to time but I eventually got to where I could drive downtown in Houston all alone without a hitch. I was living with cancer. Working full time nights, being a mom and wife, and living as a survivor. But there was no emotion about the fact I was living with a sleeping monster in my body. Now I’m waking up and feeling. I’m angry for my kids. Sad for my husband. I am frustrated for having to go thru the possibility of some stupid mesothelioma in my peritoneum. Why me? I’m not gonna sit here and pity myself but I’m pissed off because I am too healthy to be sick and 2019 was suppose to be my year to get healthy, not sicker. The possibility of more chemo in my body, more scars, more pain...why me? Yes there I said it? Am I being handpicked to have this journey? What is my purpose through it all? What does God want out of my life? These are questions swarming in my little brain right now.