Debbie Downer

I’m having a terrible time being upbeat and positive this week. Maybe because I’m thinking a lot about death and dying. Not just for the people I met at support group but for myself. I know it scares my husband and I most certainly can’t talk to anyone else about it. I’m feeling alone and depressed. I don’t want to scare Erik. I don’t mean to make it seem like I’m giving up just because I don’t like having scans anymore because of the anxiety it brings. I don’t like imagining my kids grieving for me when I pass. I certainly don’t want to put them through the pain of losing me. But seeing that someone in my situation has three years to live on average is a slap in the face. I am already 15 months into those odds. If I’m truly only given 21 more months to live how will I chose to spend my last days? Working? Not if I knew for sure I wouldn’t be hurting my family by taking time off and/or permanently quitting. I guess I have to change my perspective and start living for today and doing what I want to do today instead of waiting. I can still work and still be working towards preparing my family for life without me. How does one do that? I have no idea. But I can eliminate some of the hard decisions that go with things like funeral planning and stuff like that. But am I strong enough or have I come to terms with doing things like that? No probably not yet. Because I’m not ready to die yet. I want more than 3 years. I want to beat the odds. I don’t want to be a statistic or one of the 113 women that die each day of MBC. Hell, I don’t even want to be one of the 155,000 that even has the damn disease. I’m so depressed and angry! I need answers and need someone to tell me it’s gonna be ok or not and what the plan is for me.